Tt has been an extraordinary year in racing politics. The gloves finally came off and the politicians, bookmakers and the triumvirate that runs racing are now in the ring. With that in mind, what, I wondered, can we expect 10 of our top racing personalities not to say next year?
Internal memo after Christmas at the Association of British Bookmakers HQ: “When we find out who forgot to send that wine delivery to the Houses of Parliament there’s going to be hell to pay.”
Paul Nicholls: “I’d just like to wish Dan [Skelton] a very prosperous new year. It’s about time someone else was champion trainer.”
New Year statement from William Hill: “Everyone here is delighted that we have come to our senses and will now be paying a fair return on all offshore bets on British racing. Our Gibraltar scam was never about trying to avoid paying levy or corporation tax. We’re just very keen on monkeys, golf and Milady Palace.”
Richard Johnson at the Cheltenham Festival: “I’m really missing Tony McCoy. It’s no fun winning races now he has retired.”
Sir Mark Prescott Bt: “I’ve been looking at my two-year-old ratings and I can’t believe how well they are handicapped.”
Aidan O’Brien after Air Force Blue wins the 2000 Guineas: “To be honest with you, he’s as slow as a hearse on the gallops at home. He can’t even lay up with Anne Marie’s hunter. I’d say the lads will be looking at the Prix Du Cadran and then selling him to J P McManus.”
Sir Michael Stoute after Midterm wins the Derby: “It’s marvellous to have another great horse. We have been a bit light of ammunition in the last couple of years, and I’ve really missed talking to the press on a regular basis.”
John Gosden after Shalaa wins the St James’s Palace Stakes at Ascot: “I’m totally lost for words.”
Ryan Moore after a Group One winning flying dismount: “Have you got 10 minutes to chat after I’ve weighed in? There are a few matters I’d like to share with you. Or maybe a drink later?”
Trainer Mark Johnson: “It’s not about winning or losing. As long as we have a jolly good laugh, we always go home happy.”
Strangely, the following three invitations appear to have been caught up in the Christmas post as they have not turned up yet.
Dear Charlie
I’m putting on a pantomime as a farewell present to all the Tote staff that I’m kicking out. I thought Robin Hood would be nice. They haven’t written one called Bonfire of the Contracts. I’m playing Robin and Nick Rust [CEO of the British Horseracing Authority] will be invited to be the Sheriff of Nottingham. Is there any chance that you could play Maid Marian? Uma Thurman has sent her apologies.
There will be a short collection after the performance for the punters who lost money to us this year.
Best Wishes,
Fred Done.
Dear Charlie,
The Crown Prosecution Service has decided to form a racing club. It will be called Bottomless Pit Racing, and as I don’t exactly have to work myself to death in my safe constituency, they have asked me to manage it.
Would you buy a few horses for us? We really don’t care how much they cost, but they will have to come from our preferred yard. So you’ll need to run the prospective candidates past me and I’ll make sure we go after the right targets.
We don’t want any early two-year-olds. Find us something that will take years to come to hand. Quite frankly, we don’t really care if they never even see a racecourse.
Best Wishes,
Kier Starmer MP [Sir to you]
DPP [former].
Dear Charlie,
I’m planning a fork luncheon in my lavatories in the new grandstand at Cheltenham racecourse and was wondering whether you would like to attend.
Space is going to be a bit tight, and you’ll need the correct badge to gain entry, so please RSVP promptly.
Best Wishes,
Sam Vestey [Lord to you].
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